


Everybody Needs A Nervy B Now And Then

by bonn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, F/M, Social Media, angus thongs and perfect snogging au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 06:40:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9871919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonn/pseuds/bonn
Summary: On the verge of turning 18, grown-up-to-be James sets his sights on the new girl at school, "gorgeous sex-god" Lily, bass player for the Stiff Dylans. Unfortunately Lily appears to already be dating James' evil archrival: the greasy and bitter Snape. With his ridiculously named cat Sir Jeremy and his band of brothers, the Ace Gang, by his side, James sets his mad schemes in motion to nab a snogtastic girlfriend and have the best birthday party ever.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ITS HERE ITS HERE ITS HERE ITS HERE despite it taking me 17 years to come up with a title and my computer absolutely shitting itself this week we MADE IT we MADE it 
> 
> xoxo gossip bonn

_**Everybody Needs A Nervy B Now And Then** _

or

_Bitch In A Uniform_

* * *

 

 _James Potter to Ace Gang_ : cnt believe u wankers fucking abandoned me

 _Remus Lupin_ : james we were RIGHT THERE

 _James Potter_ : NOT DRESSED AS HORS D’OEVRES

 _Sirius Black_ : it’s spelled hors d’oeuvres

 _James Potter_ : i think you’ll find its spelled ‘betrayal’

 _James Potter_ : why did you all bail???????????????

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Mum wouldn’t let me go as a cocktail sausage, seeing as she’s veggo and all

 _Sirius Black_ : jam you KNO yellow washes me out idk what you were thinking trying to make me be a cheese and pineapple stick

 _Remus Lupin_ : i’ll square idk how the fuck i was supposed to be a vol-au-vent

 _James Potter changed the group name to Betrayal Gang_.

 _Sirius Black changed James Potter’s nickname to olive boi_.

-

 _Sirius Black to James Potter_ : u should have been at mine 2 minutes ago

 _Sirius Black_ : wher r u

 _James Potter_ : coming

 _James Potter_ : was talking to mum and dad abt my party

 _Sirius Black_ : howd it go

 _James Potter_ : :///////:

 _Sirius Black_ : double ended :/

 _James Potter_ : yeah.

-

 _Sirius Black to Ace Gang_ : just saw snape on the way to bio. god hes so wet up close

 _James Potter_ : wearer of the wettest haircut known to humanity thy name is snape

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Omg i kno i saw it this morning like imagine turning up for the first day like that

 _James Potter_ : youd think hed have least timed his yearly bath to coincide with the start of school

 _Remus Lupin_ : you guys shouldn’t be so mean about him

 _Remus Lupin_ : im just kidding can you imagine

-

 _James Potter to petition for dumbledore to make a rule about school bathing regulations_ : lupin we all saw u go off with that bird at break

 _James Potter_ : whats the 411 lil mama

 _James Potter_ : whats the hot goss

 _Remus Lupin_ : nothing, she’s the new exchange student i was showing her around

 _Sirius Black_ : sure

 _James Potter_ : that hickey under your collar get there by itself did it

 _Remus Lupin_ : we’re not talking about this

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Guys shut up i have English and McG is giving me the worst look

-

 _Sirius Black to now taking bets for how long it takes sirius to get a detention off mcgonagall_ : where have you and the swedish girl got to on the snogging scale???

 _Remus Lupin_ : shes danish

 _Remus Lupin_ : and what the fuck is the snogging scale

 _James Potter_ : me and siri invented it

 _James Potter_ : 1) holding hands  
                     2) arm around  
                     3) good-night kiss  
                     4) kiss lasting over three minutes without a breath  
                     5) open mouth kissing  
                     6) tongues  
                     7) upper body fondling—outdoors  
                     8) upper body fondling—indoors (in bed)  
                     9) below waist activity  
                     10) the full monty

 _Remus Lupin_ : why am i friends with either of you

 _Sirius Black_ : we were thirteen

 _James Potter_ : oh so suddenly now that you’re 18 you’re too COOL for the snogging scale????????

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : CAN YOU STOP HAVING IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS WHILE IM IN CLASS WITH MCGONAGALL

 _Sirius Black_ : o i thought this was the chat without peter

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Fuck off

-

 _Peter Pettigrew to Remus Lupin_ : You don’t really have a chat without me do you ?????

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : ??????????????????

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Remus

-

 _James Potter to Ace Gang_ : NEW GIRL ALERT

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Yeah, we’ve already seen her. You were there when we walked in on lupin in that EXTREMELY compromising position

 _Remus Lupin_ : if you don’t drop it im leaving the chat

 _James Potter_ : NOT HER

 _James Potter_ : ANOTHER ONE

 _James Potter_ : SHES FRIENDS WITH ALICE THE LAUGH

 _James Potter_ : SHES THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

 _Sirius Black_ : you walked in on remus doing HWAT

 _Remus Lupin has left the chat_.

 _James Potter has added Remus Lupin to the chat_.

 _James Potter_ : THIS IS IMPORTANT

 _James Potter_ : WE NEED A PLAN

 _James Potter_ : HOW DO I GET HER TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Maybe say hello to her

 _James Potter_ : WHAT

 _Remus Lupin_ : pete don’t be ridiculous. james would NEVER do something that easy and straightforward

 _James Potter_ : i am having a CRISIS here

 _Sirius Black_ : please tell me what you walked in on remus doing with the danish girl

 _Remus Lupin has left the chat_.

 _James Potter added Remus Lupin to the chat_.

 _James Potter_ : everyone is on intel until further notice

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Yeah okay

 _Remus Lupin_ : alright

 _Sirius Black changed the group name to Lupin’s Nonspecific But Indisputable Lovers’ Tryst With Eddie Redmayne_.

 _Remus Lupin has left the chat_.

-

 _Remus Lupin to Ace Gang and don’t you dare change it sirius black_ : her name’s Lily Evans

 _Remus Lupin_ : Marlene McKinnon says she just moved here from Derby

 _James Potter_ : omg remus i could kiss you

 _Remus Lupin_ : Mar also said her family’s opened an organic shop on high st

 _Sirius Black_ : how nutritious

 _James Potter_ : no one asked you

-

 _James Potter to Sirius Black_ : what categories have you come up with for the physical attractiveness test

 _Sirius Black_ : skin hair eyes nose figure mouth teeth

 _Sirius Black_ : all out of ten

 _James Potter_ : fab ill do up a table in word now and go to the library first thing at break to print us 4 copies

 _Sirius Black_ : marvy

-

 _James Potter to sirius no one is going to dare you to hack into the school and play gasolina over the loudspeaker at assembly on monday so stop angling for it_ : which of you fuckers gave me a 3 for my eyes

 _Sirius Black_ : it was purely based on their functionality

 _Sirius Black_ : you can barely see without ur glasses

 _Sirius Black_ : very poor eyes

 _James Potter_ : so it wasn’t abt how i look

 _Sirius Black_ : i didn’t say that

 _James Potter_ : sirius uve rly hurt me

 _James Potter_ : what about the 4 for my mouth

 _Sirius Black_ : that one was bc you ordered pineapple on the pizza

 _James Potter_ : i told u it was an ACCIDENT

 _Remus Lupin_ : im retrospectively docking 2 points off every single category for both of you

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Im docking 3

-

 _Remus Lupin to Ace Gang_ : have to ditch saturday afternoon lads

 _Sirius Black_ : um why

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Yeah whats more important than season six of the simpsons

 _Remus Lupin_ : i got a job

 _Sirius Black_ : where

 _Remus Lupin_ : Evans’ Organic Trade

 _James Potter_ : YOU GOT A JOB IN EVANS’ SHOP AND YOU DIDNT THINK TO TELL ME

 _Remus Lupin_ : im literally telling you right now dickhead

 _Remus Lupin_ : also it’s time travel

 _Sirius Black_ : it is NOT time travel it is CLEARLY an alternate universe you dithering FOOL

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : You’re both wrong its a time loop

 _James Potter changed the group name to donnie darko is BANNED from the group discourse_.

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Just because YOU thought it was a dream

-

 _Sirius Black to Friends Of James Potter Support Group_ : OMG

 _Sirius Black_ : PETTIGREW I CANT BELIEVE UR MISSING THIS

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Whats happening tell meeee

 _Sirius Black_ : we just went into lupins shop

 _Sirius Black_ : evans wasn’t even here

 _Sirius Black_ : she just came out with a cup of tea for lupin and james ACTUALLY screamed,,,,,,,,,,,, evans almost dropped the mug

 _Sirius Black_ : lupin just introduced us and shes given him this look like “they better not be loitering” so hes selling me onions so she doesn’t kick us out

 _Sirius Black_ : lupin i dont want these and i shant pay for them

 _Sirius Black_ : evans is trying to talk to prongs but hes just giving her heart eyes

 _Sirius Black_ : she just asked if hes in her french class and he SQUEAKED

 _Sirius Black_ : day 13. james has still not spoken a word of english to evans

 _Sirius Black_ : day 27. hes said “mfngggg” instead of yes the stupid git

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Fucking hell im still in this stupid mother son bonding thing for another half hour

 _Sirius Black_ : MOTHER SON BONDING

 _Sirius Black_ : siri set a reminder to mock peter later

 _Sirius Black_ : lupin just took the tea and evans has revealed shes in a BAND

 _Sirius Black_ : prongs has found his voice (!) and hes making the aziz ansari :D face which, unfortunately, makes him look like a total prat

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Rookie error

 _Sirius Black_ : she just told him they’re called the stiff dylans and he just nodded really seriously and said “great name” im going to knock him out if only to stop him embarrassing himself further the stupid git

 _Sirius Black_ : fun facts about lily evans: she plays bass and she thinks james has brain damage probably

 _Sirius Black_ : JAMES JUST INADVERTENTLY TOLD HER SHE HAS REALLY BIG HANDS AND SHE WAS DEADASS LIKE

 _Sirius Black_ : “……………………okay”

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : BIG HANDS

 _Sirius Black_ : HER CAT just came out and prongs has jumped on the opportunity my boy he did it he managed to steer his way onto a topic he knows something about

 _Sirius Black_ : more fun facts about lily evans: her cat is called elizabeth bennet and she thinks james has brain damage definitely

 _Sirius Black_ : evans laughed at “we just call him sir jeremy but his real name is sir jeremy cattington the third, prince of purrsia and king under the meowntain” thank god

 _Sirius Black_ : he told her about how he used to take sir jeremy on walks by the beach but he ate his collar and his lead why is he like this

 _Sirius Black_ : prongs my man you sound like an eharmony profile gone wrong

 _Sirius Black_ : she mentioned hr sister,,,,,,,,,,,petunia

 _Sirius Black_ : the evans parents had a thing for matching names me and evans have so much in common

 _Sirius Black_ : FLEAMONT JUST WALKED IN PETE I CANT BELIEVE U ARENT HERE I SWEAR TO GOD YOU COULD NOT WRITE THIS

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Noooo omg

 _Sirius Black_ : monty: “james????? what are you doing here? you hate vegetbles”

 _Sirius Black_ : james: “haha dad you’re so funny but of course i LOVE vegetables as we all know”

 _Sirius Black_ : monty: “james. the last time your mother tried to serve you broccoli you threatened to run away from home”

 _Sirius Black_ : james: “haha i was a picky kid, wasn’t i”

 _Sirius Black_ : monty deadass just looked right at evans and said “james that was wednesday” that man is my Hero

 _Sirius Black_ : lupin literally ducked behind the counter so prongs couldn’t see him laughing the lucky git prongs is glaring daggers at me

 _Sirius Black_ : evans is giving him the WORST pitying look omg poor jam he looks like he did when chelsea lost the final last year

 _Sirius Black_ : evans is gone holy shit i cant believe u missed this pete

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : :(

-

 _James Potter to Sirius Black_ : how am i ever going to be able to face her again ??????

 _James Potter_ : i love my dad but he can be so beyond the valley of the thick sometimes

 _Sirius Black_ : he wasnt that bad

 _Sirius Black_ : i dont think evans even took any notice

 _James Potter_ : are u SURE my dad hasnt ruined it ????

 _Sirius Black_ : j

 _Sirius Black_ : it was reaaaally fab

 _James Potter_ : fabbity fab?

 _Sirius Black_ : with knobs on.

 _Sirius Black_ : besides im sure evans will understand

 _Sirius Black_ : all parents say stupid things sometimes

 _Sirius Black_ : shell probably like u more bc shell feel bad uve got a dad who’s BEYOND bonkerdom

 _James Potter_ : you’re right

 _Sirius Black_ : i kno :~)

 _James Potter_ : i love you but don’t ever send me that face again

-

 _Peter Pettigrew to James Potter_ : I can’t believe you told evans she has big hands

 _James Potter_ : you werent even THERE

-

 _Remus Lupin to Ace Gang :~)_ : anyone seen black

 _James Potter_ : hes in detention

 _Remus Lupin_ : what for this time

 _James Potter_ : handing out onions at assembly

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : The onions from sunday??

 _Sirius Black_ : no peter, a completely different set of onions

 _Peter Pettigrew changed the group name to Sirius stop being mean to me_.

-

 _James Potter to everyone be meaner than usual to peter_ : what the fuck is evans doing with snivellus

 _Sirius Black_ : wot

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : We just walked past them and it looked Really Bad

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : She was holding his hand

 _James Potter_ : what the FUCK has he got going on that i dont

 _James Potter_ : this is fucking ridiculous. snape. who the fuck does he think he is

 _Remus Lupin_ : ill see what i can find out at work on monday

-

 _James Potter to Peter Pettigrew_ : is it weird to like evans’ band on fb if we’re not friends

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Just fucking add her dude

-

 _Sirius Black to James Potter_ : look ive been doing some thinking and if u rly want 2 impress evans ur gonna have 2 up ur snogging game

 _James Potter_ : what the fuck

 _Sirius Black_ : dont argue im the best judge of this

 _Sirius Black_ : ur like. ok at kissing but i feel like u could b better

 _Sirius Black_ : there’s a kid on andy’s block who does snogging lessons after school his name is frank and hes a 7 maybe 7 and a half if u don’t wear ur glasses

 _James Potter_ : what is wrong with u

 _Sirius Black_ : u say that like ur not gonna look into it

 _James Potter_ : fuck off

-

 _Peter Pettigrew to the queen does NOT wear a 44DD_ : Hes just gone in

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Cant believe neither of you came you missed OUT

 _Remus Lupin_ : what happened

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : He knocked on the door and this bloke came out and like. Objectively and all but he is Fit™

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : And he looked prongs up and down and was like

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : "I dont usually do boys but christ if you dont look like the saddest git ive ever seen"

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : I gave him a thumbs up on the way in

 _Remus Lupin_ : cant believe i missed it

 _Sirius Black_ : how did u get the tm thing like that

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Copy it and save it as a keyboard shortcut

 _Sirius Black_ : ™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Stop

 _Sirius Black_ : no™

 _Remus Lupin_ : what have you done

-

 _Sirius Black to James Potter_ : so its like THAT is it ??????????? my kissing not good enough for you ?????????

 _James Potter_ : babe

 _James Potter_ : ur my first kiss ull always hold a special spot in my heart

 _Sirius Black_ : i need time

 _James Potter_ : YOU’RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME ABOUT LONGBOTTOM IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU TWIT

-

 _James Potter, Snogging Sensation to i, sirius black, am giving james potter the cold shoulder_ : he put on careless whisper

 _Sirius Black_ : WHAT

 _Sirius Black changed to group name to i, sirius black, am now only giving james potter the lukewarm shoulder_.

 _James Potter, Snogging Sensation_ : and hes from saliva CITY hes got nothing on u babe i promise

 _Sirius Black changed the group name to in light of new information, james potter and i, sirius black, have reconciled_.

 _Remus Lupin changed the group name to Ace Gang_.

 _Sirius Black_ : buzzkill

-

 _James Potter to gasolina is a Bad Song_ : mum’s got a promotion???????

 _Remus Lupin_ : tell her congrats

 _James Potter_ : it’s back in india though??????????????

 _Remus Lupin_ : oh

 _Sirius Black_ : you’re not moving are you

 _James Potter_ : i honestly don’t know

 _James Potter_ : im freaking out

 _James Potter_ : come round please

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Holy shit

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Ill pick everyone up

 _James Potter_ : they’re ruining my life and they still won’t let me have a party

-

 _James Potter to Rip in pieces james’ life in england_ : i have a plan

 _Remus Lupin_ : here we go

 _James Potter changed the group name to don’t message me in that tone of voice lupin_.

 _Sirius Black_ : whats the plan

 _James Potter_ : evans likes cats. i like cats. i have a cat. and if that cat got lost i would be distraught. and if evans knew how upset i was shed help me find him.

 _Sirius Black_ : but sir jeremy isnt lost

 _James Potter_ : evans doesnt know that OBVIOUSLY

 _James Potter_ : honestly sirius sometimes i think youre half boy half turnip

 _Remus Lupin_ : jesus christ

 _James Potter changed the group name to im warning you lupin_.

 _James Potter_ : i “””lose””” sir jeremy but you lot have him at the park then when u see us coming u let him loose and evans will chase him down and shell feel like a hero and shell get so caught up in the euphoria of the moment that shell kiss me and realise that we’re perfect for each other

 _Remus Lupin_ : ur insane

 _James Potter removed Remus Lupin from the chat_.

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : You GUYS you KNOW im in english right now

 _Sirius Black_ : ffs peter just turn your phone on do not disturb when ur in mcg’s class

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : But i always forget to turn it back

-

 _James Potter to Sirius Black_ : i went round her shop but she said she was too busy helping her mum

 _Sirius Black_ : rip™

-

_Lily Evans has sent you a friend request.  
**Accept** / Decline_

 

 _Lily Evans to James Potter_ : begged off work. kno id be devo if i lost lizzy. wher r u?

 _James Potter_ : the beach

 _Lily Evans_ : be there asap x

-

 _James Potter to Sirius Black_ : plans back on

 _Sirius Black_ : oh okay

 _Sirius Black_ : small prob™ sir jeremy actually got loose

 _James Potter_ : she ended her message with an x

 _James Potter_ : does this mean she likes me

 _James Potter_ : wait WHAT

-

 _James Potter to Lily Evans_ : thanks so much for your help on sunday

 _Lily Evans_ : it was my pleasure. even if your cat IS mental.

 _James Potter_ : im telling him you said that

 _Lily Evans_ : noooooooooo

 _James Potter_ : so

 _Lily Evans_ : ominous.

 _James Potter_ : are you glad you moved to eastbourne?

 _Lily Evans_ : i guess. it's pretty chill

 _Lily Evans_ : have u always lived here?

 _James Potter_ : yeah

 _James Potter_ : its called gods waiting room

 _James Potter_ : because people come here to die

 _Lily Evans_ : ur being dramatic.

 _Lily Evans_ : i heard eastbournes the new brighton.

 _James Potter_ : yeah

 _James Potter_ : as if

 _Lily Evans_ : idk i like it here. its more peaceful than derby and the beach is soo good for ~song writing inspo~

 _James Potter_ : what do you write ur songs abt ?

 _Lily Evans_ : idk. life

 _Lily Evans_ : the universe

 _Lily Evans_ : how reality tv’s brainwashing us

 _James Potter_ : wow

 _Lily Evans_ : ikr

 _James Potter_ : careful, you’re starting to sound like my dad

 _Lily Evans_ : i dont mind so much, your dad’s pretty cool.

 _James Potter_ : ????

 _Lily Evans_ : he comes into the shop a lot.

 _James Potter_ : oh my god

 _James Potter_ : promise you wont take anything he says about me seriously

 _Lily Evans_ : no problem aha

 _James Potter_ : what about your dad? does he work in the shop too?

 _Lily Evans_ : no, he’s :/

 _Lily Evans_ : he died.

 _James Potter_ : oh. im so sorry, lily.

 _Lily Evans_ : its okay. its why my mum moved us out here and opened up the shop.

 _Lily Evans_ : she always wanted one

 _Lily Evans_ : eastbourne is such a step back from derby and i like it because it means me and petunia can keep an eye on her you know?

 _James Potter_ : i think i understand why you like it here

-

 _James Potter to evans showed prongs her O face_ : mum and dad are fighting about india again

 _Remus Lupin_ : fuck

 _Sirius Black_ : ):

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : )):

 _Sirius Black_ : stop trying to one up me, pettigrew

-

_Frank Longbottom has sent you a friend request.  
Accept / **Decline**_

-

 _James Potter to longbottom has the hots for prongs_ : mum’s just left

 _James Potter_ : so thats that then

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Drinks at mine?

 _James Potter_ : yeah

-

 _James Potter to Remus Lupin_ : will you mention how shit snape is and how good i am when ur on shift with evans today

 _Remus Lupin_ : no you sad git i will not

 _James Potter_ : remus i LOVE her

 _James Potter_ : ill buy you a twix from the vending machine

 _Remus Lupin_ : alright

-

 _Sirius Black changed the group name to twix are grim_.

 _Remus Lupin changed the group name to twix are grim but not as grim as curly wurlys_.

 _Sirius Black_ : you’ve really hurt me, lupin

 _Remus Lupin_ : good.

-

 _James Potter to Remus Lupin_ : ???????????

 _James Potter_ : ur off shift now did you talk abt me ???????

 _Remus Lupin_ : no

 _Remus Lupin_ : and i already ate the twix so dont ask for it back

-

 _Peter Pettigrew to evans thinks snape is a clingy sod #confirmed_ : Watch out prongs

 _James Potter_ : for what

 _Remus Lupin_ : for that, i assume

 _Sirius Black_ : im in lunch detention what happened

 _Remus Lupin_ : longbottom’s making a come on at james

 _Sirius Black_ : McYikes

 _Remus Lupin_ : “why havent you accepted my friend request?” – longbottom

 _Remus Lupin_ : “because were not friends” – james

 _Sirius Black_ : james ur gonna get urself decked one day

 _Sirius Black_ : so can u stop being a little shit when im not around to watch thanks

 _James Potter_ : no promises

-

 _Remus Lupin to twin peaks season 3 fan theories club_ : sirius can you link me to that compilation video of diego luna saying he wants to touch jabba the hut

 _Remus Lupin_ : i want to show it to lily at work this afternoon

 _Sirius Black_ : ya sure

 _Sirius Black_ : <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGKrc3A6HHM>

_Remus Lupin_ : if i follow that link and it isnt to the video i asked for im not going to be your partner for the history assignment

 _Sirius Black_ : ………………

 _Sirius Black_ : <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDU3PojzaHk>

_Remus Lupin_ : thank you

 _Peter Pettigrew changed the group name to Gasolina is banned from the group playlist_.

-

 _James Potter to Gasolina (INCLUDING all derivative remixes reimaginings and covers) is banned from the group playlist_ : EVANS LIKES STAR WARS

 _James Potter_ : ???!?!?!?!??!!!!!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

 _Remus Lupin_ : james that was three hours ago get with the times

 _James Potter_ : but i was at P R A C T I C E

 _Sirius Black_ : too bad so sad

-

 _Remus Lupin to Peter Pettigrew_ : WHOA

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : U watching from chem window?????

 _Remus Lupin_ : ya what just happened??????????????????

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Snape tripped up james on the way to goal

 _Remus Lupin_ : is he ok??????

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Hes got a bloody nose but hes okay

 _Remus Lupin_ : i meant snape

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : O na

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : I think james is gonna murder him lol

-

 _Sirius Black to marauding fools quote unquote minnie mcgonagall_ : mary mcdonald in the year below is having a party tomorrow night n i charmed her into giving us all invites

 _Sirius Black_ : well, she invited ME and i guess u lads can come as my collective date

 _Remus Lupin_ : im already invited

 _James Potter_ : me too

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : She invited me three weeks ago

 _Sirius Black_ : i got invited after PETTIGREW ????????? who the fuck

 _Sirius Black_ : Im Not Going™

 _Remus Lupin_ : yes u are

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Yes u are

 _James Potter_ : yes u are

 _Sirius Black_ : Yes I Am™

-

 _Peter Pettigrew to Ace Gang_ : Why did you tell her i lost a SOCK ??????

 _Remus Lupin changed the group name to kickstarter to find peter’s missing third sock_.

 _James Potter_ : i had to say SOMETHING

 _Remus Lupin_ : james, ever ridiculous under pressure

 _James Potter_ : besides, YOU’RE the one who pushed us behind a bush as if she would have thought it was weird that we at SCHOOL

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : I panicked

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Lily said she thought snape tripping you was a dick move though

 _James Potter_ : trying to distract me by mentioning evans, huh???

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Is it working

 _James Potter_ : i wish i could say no

 _Remus Lupin_ : id like to point out lily also said you should go up for the school team

 _Remus Lupin_ : so she clearly doesn’t care enough about you to know that you’re already. captain

 _Sirius Black_ : lupin stop being a flaky bitch

 _Sirius Black_ : thats my job

-

 _Peter Pettigrew to pres at james’ because its closest to mary’s NOT because its in any way a superior house to any other house accessible 2 the group_ : Did i just hear ur dad call u a minger

 _James Potter_ : if u have 2 ask u already kno the answer

 _Sirius Black_ : In Fleamont We Trust™

-

 _Sirius Black to party boiis_ : PRONGS IS THAT YOU OUTSIDE WITH FRANK LONGBOTTOM

 _James Potter_ : he fucking ambushed me

 _James Potter_ : evans didn’t see did she ?????????????????????????

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Nah dont think so

 _Sirius Black_ : hes lying she absolutely did

 _James Potter_ : fuck this im going home

-

 _Remus Lupin to Sirius Black_ : i swear to god if you’re the one who just put on gasolina im blocking you

 _Sirius Black_ : (:

 _Remus Lupin_ : we arent friends

-

 _Remus Lupin to James Potter_ : me and lily are going to the pool this afternoon

 _Remus Lupin_ : 2:30pm

 _Remus Lupin_ : in case you wanted to coincidentally turn up

 _James Potter_ : what so i can aggravate her by drowning snape?

 _Remus Lupin_ : snape isnt coming

 _James Potter_ : oh. why not?

 _Remus Lupin_ : probably afraid of water

 _James Potter_ : explains why he never washes

 _Remus Lupin_ : lmao

-

 _James Potter to Sirius Black_ : me and moony are going to the pool and you’re coming

 _Sirius Black_ : as in the public pool????????

 _James Potter_ : obvi

 _Sirius Black_ : excusez-moi, c’est très grotesque

 _Sirius Black_ : im NOT going to the public pool little kids pee in that and the chlorine makes my hair go all frizzy

 _James Potter_ : i cant believe you’re abandoning me, your best friend, in his time of greatest need

 _Sirius Black_ : and you say IM dramatic

-

 _Remus Lupin to Ace Gang_ : what happened after we left yesterday???????

 _James Potter_ : idk it was weird

 _James Potter_ : we did handstands and she made fun of my pale legs ): then she tried to drown me but in like a ~playful~ way

 _James Potter_ : and i told her im not with frank longbottom in any capacity and she said “well that’s good then”

 _James Potter_ : and then she kissed me

 _Sirius Black_ : SHE KISSED YOU

 _Sirius Black changed the group name to EVANS KISSED JAMES EVANS KISSED JAMES EVANS KISSED JAMES EVANS ! KISSED ! JAMES !_.

 _Remus Lupin_ : get in !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Result omg

 _James Potter_ : but then she said she had to go sort some stuff out and that she’d text me

 _Remus Lupin_ : oh, james

-

 _James Potter to Sirius Black_ : evans should text soon then that’s sorted and we should step up the party plans

 _James Potter_ : we’ve got so much left to sort

 _James Potter_ : venue, fashion statements, colour scheme

 _Sirius Black_ : you should do black and white

 _James Potter_ : ! marvy

-

 _James Potter to Remus Lupin_ : what does it mean when a girl kisses you and says she’ll text you does it mean she’ll /text you or does it mean she’ll message you on facebook

 _James Potter_ : because there’s a big difference

 _James Potter_ : remus ???????????????????????????

 _Remus Lupin_ : james its 4 in the morning

 _James Potter_ : so???????? ur awake arent u ???????????????? what does it mean ??????

 _James Potter_ : remus uve kissed the most girls u have to know

 _James Potter_ : remus

 _James Potter_ : remus please

-

_Frank Longbottom has sent you a friend request.  
Accept / **Decline**_

-

 _James Potter to Sirius Black_ : i need a drink

 _Sirius Black_ : what happened????

 _Sirius Black_ : im omw btw

 _James Potter_ : mum called and she wants me and dad to move out to india with her

 _James Potter_ : dad doesnt want to go but he also doesnt want to be away from mum any more im freaking out siri i might actually move back to india what the fuck

 _James Potter_ : and on top of that longbottom showed up at my house and tried to apologise how did he even get my address

 _Sirius Black_ : im here come open the door

-

 _Alice theLaugh to James Potter_ : is it tru that ur gay?

 _James Potter_ : idk i dont reckon

 _Alice theLaugh_ : didnt think u were, lily said u werent

 _James Potter_ : really? what did she say ???????????

 _Alice theLaugh_ : just that she knows 4 sure u arent

 _Alice theLaugh_ : are u going to the stiff dylans gig saturday?

 _James Potter_ : not sure yet

-

 _James Potter to Sirius Black_ : she kissed me and then left me on read at 3:45

 _Sirius Black_ : aw :/

 _James Potter_ : shut the fuck up

 _James Potter_ : she didn’t even tell me abt her gig in brighton

-

 _James Potter to james’ wet dream about evans_ : sirius i cannot believe you told my father about lily evans

 _Sirius Black_ : thats not fair

 _Sirius Black_ : u kno monty has an uncanny ability to get info out of me

 _Sirius Black changed James Potter’s nickname to the naff boy who had the sad party that no one went to_.

 _the naff boy who had the sad party that no one went to_ : stop taking advantage of my vulnerability !

-

 _Remus Lupin to Everyone sign up for hindi on duolingo out of solidarity to james_ : watch out lads james has his plan face on

 _Remus Lupin_ : brace for impact

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Oh geez

 _James Potter_ : fuck off then lupin i wont tell u then

 _James Potter removed Remus Lupin from the chat_.

 _James Potter_ : now that we’re alone

 _James Potter_ : im gonna make evans jealous

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Im afraid to ask how

 _James Potter_ : im going with alice the laugh to the stiff dylans gig

 _Sirius Black_ : christ james that’s pretty shitty

 _Sirius Black_ : that was lupin

 _Sirius Black_ : i say first, what could possibly go wrong

 _Sirius Black_ : second, what the fuck is alice the laugh’s real last name

 _Sirius Black_ : ive known her for 6 years and i dont know what it is

-

 _Peter Pettigrew to Friends Of James Potter Support Group_ : Say aye if ur completely unsurprised to learn i just overheard james respond to alice the laugh telling him he looks good tonight with “thanks, you’re very honest”

 _Sirius Black_ : aye

 _Remus Lupin_ : aye

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : “Alice you make me laugh like a loon on loon tablets”

 _Sirius Black_ : #yikes

 _Sirius Black_ : i have the shot

 _Remus Lupin_ : take it

-

 _Alice theLaugh to James Potter_ : i had a great time tonight

 _James Potter_ : haha me too

 _Alice theLaugh_ : best night of my life x

 _James Potter_ : o.k. see you at school on monday

-

 _Lily Evans to Sirius Black_ : so ur the one who put on gasolina at mary mcdonald’s party.

 _Sirius Black_ : what makes u say that ?

 _Lily Evans_ : you shouted “play gasolina” no less than 11 times last night.

 _Sirius Black_ : that doesnt sound like me

 _Sirius Black_ : are u sure it wasnt lupin ?

 _Sirius Black_ : that worldly bastard he sure does love puerto rican music

 _Lily Evans_ : i just texted him and he said “im surprised sirius even knows what puerto rico is”.

 _Sirius Black_ : fucker

-

 _Sirius Black to James Potter_ : oi cheer up

 _Sirius Black_ : what are you thinking about?

 _James Potter_ : poor alice

 _James Potter_ : i keep seeing her face when she tried to kiss me

 _James Potter_ : god i feel like such an arse for leading her on

-

 _James Potter to Alice theLaugh_ : you okay? you looked pretty upset in maths

 _Alice theLaugh_ : hope your plan worked

 _James Potter_ : what?

 _Alice theLaugh_ : marlene mckinnon overheard black telling lupin that you only went out with me to make lily jealous

 _Alice theLaugh_ : you’re a heartless user

 _Alice theLaugh_ : what you did, that’s just pants, that is

 _James Potter_ : i’m really sorry, alice

 _Alice theLaugh_ : i really thought you thought i was a laugh

-

 _Sirius Black to James Potter_ : i told you im sorry

 _Sirius Black_ : are you really going to ignore me over this

 _Sirius Black_ : like for real james pull your head out of your arse for twenty seconds and realise how shitty you’re being

 _Sirius Black_ : all your scheming and pretending

 _Sirius Black_ : honestly it’s no wonder evans never fucking texted you

 _James Potter_ : don’t talk to me again.

-

 _Lily Evans to James Potter_ : you’ve really pissed off a lot of people.

 _Lily Evans_ : alice is really cut up. she’s my mate, james.

 _James Potter_ : i didnt mean to use her.

 _James Potter_ : you never texted me when you said you would

 _Lily Evans_ : i handled it really badly, i know

 _Lily Evans_ : things got messy

 _Lily Evans_ : i didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

 _James Potter_ : so you were thinking of breaking up with snape and then you were gonna text me?

 _Lily Evans_ : lmao what

 _Lily Evans_ : severus and i aren’t together.

 _James Potter_ : but you hold his hand

 _Lily Evans_ : i hold marlene’s had too but that doesnt mean im dating her.

 _Lily Evans_ : you know how much he hates you and it makes it hard, james, but yeah, i was gonna text you.

 _Lily Evans_ : and then i saw you with alice at my gig and i was gutted.

 _Lily Evans_ : but that’s different now.

 _Lily Evans_ : i thought YOU were different than that james but you’re not, you’re just some fuck off rich kid who only thinks about himself.

 _Lily Evans_ : i think it’s probably best if you don’t message me again.

-

 _James Potter to Remus Lupin_ : had a talk with lily. turns out shes not actually with snape.

 _Remus Lupin_ : i actually do not care, james. work things out with sirius or fuck off.

-

 _James Potter to Peter Pettigrew_ : i think i might have just gotten my mum fired

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Go on, i guess

 _James Potter_ : i went to her office and talked to her boss and i think i just made things worse

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Yeah, you’re getting pretty good at that

 _James Potter_ : i guess i am, yeah.

 _James Potter_ : im cancelling the party and ive told dad i want to move to india

 _James Potter_ : if either of the others ask

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : I’ll pass it on.

-

 _James Potter to Lily Evans_ : hi.

 _James Potter_ : i know you didn’t want me to message you again and i don’t blame you for that but i have to say this and then it’s done.

 _James Potter_ : what you said really hurt, but you were right. it wasnt me. it was beyond pants, and i really am sorry. i messed everything up with you, and with alice and with sirius and i guess i just got caught up in my own idea of how our lives should be and i got carried away

 _Lily Evans_ : i cut all ties with severus last night.

 _James Potter_ : oh.

 _Lily Evans_ : yeah.

 _Lily Evans_ : you know, i wrote a song about you.

 _James Potter_ : really?

 _Lily Evans_ : its called Bitch In A Uniform.

 _Lily Evans_ : i wrote it when i was pissed off with you.

 _Lily Evans_ : but i still like you, james. even though you’re mental.

 _James Potter_ : no you don’t

 _Lily Evans_ : i do.

 _Lily Evans_ : i cant stop thinking about you. i was hoping

 _Lily Evans_ : maybe

 _Lily Evans_ : we can go out?

 _James Potter_ : oh, fuck

 _Lily Evans_ : ?

 _James Potter_ : im moving to india

 _Lily Evans_ : what the fuck is wrong with you

 _Lily Evans_ : you’re so

 _Lily Evans_ : random

 _James Potter_ : 100% legit this time.

 _Lily Evans_ : that’s a goddamn shame.

 _Lily Evans_ : im at the beach if you wanted to come hang out.

-

 _James Potter to Sirius Black_ : feels really shitty without you

 _James Potter_ : im so so sorry

 _James Potter_ : can you ever forgive me?

 _Sirius Black_ : ur gonna have to buy me at least 16 curly wurlys

 _James Potter_ : its done.

 _Sirius Black_ : happy birthday you massive tosser xxx

-

 _joe to the jonas brothers_ : operation stun-the-pants-off-james-with-an-amazing-surprise-party is a go

 _joe changed the group name to Friends Of James Potter Support Group_.

 _nick_ : oh thank GOD

 _kevin_ : I was wondering how long you’d hold out

 _nick_ : you’re both so stupid

-

 _James Potter to prongs is finally legal ;)_ : cant believe all you wankers are busy tonight

 _James Potter_ : like i know we were all in a fight but you ALL have plans ????????

 _James Potter_ : dad’s taken pity on me and is taking me to a club this is the saddest 18th ever

 _Remus Lupin_ : sry fam

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Lol

-

_**JAMES POTTER'S SUPER SECRET 18TH BIRTHDAY PARTY**  
Private º Hosted by Sirius Black and 2 others._

_312 going º 167 maybe  
27 March 19:30 – 28 March 8:00_

**Details**  
james is a prat but hes our best friend so lets all get together and show him that being legal to drink doesnt take away the fun of it !! event will have an open bar courtesy of mr  & mrs p

theme is black and white !

only one rule : DONT TELL JAMES ABOUT IT  
anyone who does will be blacklisted from the party loool good luck telling your grandkids about how you didn’t get to come to the most important party of our generation

-

 _Peter Pettigrew to Fleamont Potter_ : The eagle has landed i repeat the eagle has landed

 _Fleamont Potter_ : Thanks son :~) Jem’s going to be so excited to see his mum.

 _Fleamont Potter_ : We’re up on the balcony by the bar, send her our way :~)

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : Will do, sarge

-

 _Lily Evans_ : happy birthday xxx hope you like ur present.

 _James Potter_ : my present?

 _James Potter_ : OH MY GOD

 _James Potter_ : YOU WROTE ME A SONG ?!?!?!

 _James Potter_ : lily evans i honestly think i love you

-

 _Marlene McKinnon to Remus Lupin_ : we can’t hear properly from up the back what did snape just say

 _Remus Lupin_ : “james potter is a girl-nabbing letch who can’t keep his slutty minx hands off other peoples’ girlfriends”

 _Marlene McKinnon_ : WHAT

 _Remus Lupin_ : “you’re just a big fat minging minger with horridious eyesight and the opposite of a haircut”

 _Remus Lupin_ : don’t worry, black’s filming the whole thing im sure it’ll be on youtube asap

-

 _Sirius Black to Ace Gang except all of us are legal™ now_ : id be lying if i said i remembered anything past monty and effy swing dancing

 _Remus Lupin_ : im fairly certain i walked in on frank longbottom and alice the laugh fucking in the mens

 _Remus Lupin_ : but i, too, am fuzzy on the details

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : I woke up at the lido. No idea how i got there

 _Remus Lupin_ : i just found this in my camera roll

 _Remus Lupin set a photo_.

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : What the fuck

 _Remus Lupin_ : i have no memory of taking this and im glad of that fact because the camerawork here is shameful

 _James Potter_ : YOU’RE KIDDING

 _James Potter_ : YOU DON’T REMEMBER PETER FINDING A RAT IN THE BINS BEHIND THE CRICKET CLUB

 _James Potter_ : AND NAMING IT INIGO MONTOYA

 _James Potter_ : PETER YOU STILL HAD IT WHEN I LEFT YOU FOUR HOURS LATER

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : I mean that definitely sounds like me

 _James Potter changed Peter Pettigrew’s nickname to cryptid: ratboii_.

 _cryptid: ratboii_ : Cheers

 _cryptid: ratboii_ : Where did you get to, anyway?

 _James Potter_ : me and evans went to the beach

 _Remus Lupin_ : cuuuuuute

 _Sirius Black_ : and you didnt invite ME

 _James Potter_ : sirius you were passed out by 11 o clock

 _Sirius Black_ : WHAT

 _James Potter_ : yeah, evans poured you a quadruple shot of jager after you played gasolina through your iphone six times in a row

 _Sirius Black_ : you convinced me to drink JAGER??????????!?!?!?!??!!!!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?

 _James Potter_ : i told you it was sambuca black and somehow that was okay with you

 _Sirius Black_ : wtf™

-

 _James Potter added a life event_.  
**DIDN’T move to India**  
_56 likes_

 _James Potter commented_ : love reacts only pls

 _Peter Pettigrew commented_ : A N G E R Y R E A C T

 _James Potter replied to Peter Pettigrew’s comment_ : ???????

-

 _Peter Pettigrew to James Potter_ : I did duolingo every day even though ur not actually moving and im not gonna let it go to waste

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : बकरी मेरी प्रेमिका है

 _James Potter_ : peter you know i. cant read hindi i can only speak it right

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : ):

 _James Potter_ : i showed mum and she laughed and said it was cute

 _Peter Pettigrew_ : (:

-

 _Sirius Black shared a video to James Potter’s timeline_ : “Stiff Dylans performance interrupted by GREASY RACIST exclusive”

 _Lily Evans commented_ : tag urself im the girlfriend

 _Remus Lupin commented_ : im peter in the background trying to get out of the shot but sirius keeps moving so hes still in frame

 _Sirius Black commented_ : im prongs’s slutty minx hands

 _James Potter commented_ : im the look on snapes face when lily kisses me

 _Peter Pettigrew commented_ : Im james drawing attention to the fact he conned lily into kissing him because he thinks weve all somehow missed him telling us every two seconds for the last three days

-

_**James Potter is in a relationship with Lily Evans**.  
346 likes_

_Peter Pettigrew commented_ : Love react

 _Sirius Black commented_ : jealous react

 _Remus Lupin commented_ : L O V E R E A C T

**Author's Note:**

> NICE
> 
> come talk about it with me over at bantasticbeasts.tumblr.com !!!
> 
> xoxo gossip bonn


End file.
